The International Space Station fell into the control of a chimp when he escaped from his research facility on September 3, 2012. In an attempt to regain control over the $100 billion spacecraft NASA sent 6 animals into space to kill the chimp.
- A Starving Leopard
Immediately after the chimp took control of the ISS by barricading himself into the control room and sliding a hockey stick through the door handles, the astronauts on board tried to regain control of the space station first by negotiations. When their best attempts at negotiations failed, they sent an emergency SOS message to ground control: “Deploy Leopard”. Hours later a starved leopard was sent to the astronaut’s rescue. The chimp however, found out about the plan and as the starved leopard came hurtling through space to reach the ISS, the chimp rigged a piano to shoot out of the space station’s airlock. As soon as the leopard was close enough, it was crushed by the chimp’s piano.
- A Chimp For A Chimp
The second attempt made by NASA to regain control of the ISS backfired worse than they had expected. They launched a second chimp to the space station armed with a loaded gun. But when the second chimp reached the ISS, he formed an alliance with the first and turned the loaded gun back onto the astronauts, forcing them into the supply closet. The first chimp now ruled the ISS with a free hand while the second chimp stood guard at the door.
- Sickness Via Dog
The chimp’s reign continued for another 2 years as he restricted his hostage astronauts to one meal a day and rapidly ate his way through the rest. The next mission headed towards the rogue chimp in control of the ISS involved sending a sick dog onto the space station to get the chimp sick. NASA searched for the sickest dog they could find, and months later singled out an old terrier coughing up pus. The sickly dog was launched on May 23, 2013, but unfortunately the dog died immediately after takeoff and chimp remained hale and hearty.
- A Fighting Stingray
NASA then planned to send an animal in space that could take on the chimp in battle, and after extensive research finalised a stingray to be the warrior. They reasoned that since a stingray already knows how to swim it would likely do well in orbit. Partnering with the Russian space agency Roscosmos, they sent up a stingray. It was a close battle and the stingray came close to killing the chimp but after the long battle across the halls of the ISS, the chimp won. After the defeat of the stingray, the chimp began using its barb as a staff and proclaimed himself the Space King.
- A Bee
After 4 failed mission and depleted funds, the agency tried thinking out-of-the-box and came up with an idea to send a bee to the space station in a rocket the size of a matchbox. The bee did succeeding in stinging the chimp, but NASA could never have imagined what happened next. The chimp seemed to enjoy the sting! He sent back a message to ground control using Morse code: GOOD BUG HURT.
- A Poisonous Scorpion
Discouraged NASA researchers were preparing to cut their losses and relinquish the space station to the rogue chimp when Elon Musk stepped in. Putting their heads together, NASA and SpaceX decided to send a highly poisonous scorpion to the space station, conveniently concealed in a box labelled ‘Bananas’. The box reached the chimp safely, but the clever chimp had suspicions and so forced one of the hostage astronauts to open the box.
The astronaut was killed on the spot but the chimp and scorpion survived and are planning to get married in the fall.
According to ClickHole.com as of April 2017 the chimp still has control of the International Space Staion and NASA is working to engineer a rocket that can send an entire pack of wolves into space. The combined efforts to rid the space station of the chimp have so far cost $43.8 billion.